Monday, February 14, 2011

It is better to have loved and lost; than to never have loved at all........

Today I feel like the first person to have uttered these words should be ghetto stomped.....Cajun style.
Two weeks ago I lost my Grandfather (lost sounds like I misplaced him at the grocery store, but lost is what it feels like). This was devastating, truly heart wrenching pain. It is so sad how we don't realize what an impact people make on our lives until they are gone. And then we are left with the pain and the feeling that there were so many things I should have said or taken more time to ___________.

 Fast forward a week...... I'm on the phone with my mother and she says "Your Grandmother passed away this morning." I literally said are you fkn kidding me? Not even a respite from this crushing pain and wham it just keeps coming in waves of grief.

Mix in with this grief I have dealt with resigning from my dream job (due to a callous and self - centered boss that I could no longer allow to abuse me) my father struggling with medical issues, and some major vehicle repairs.

Week from hell doesn't even begin to cover it.They say that "what does no kill us makes us stronger"....Well than at this point I'm fkn invincible. Sorry about the profanity but it helps;}

I'm not whining I do have a point.....In these times when we feel like we will just drown in the waves of grief and sadness we are thrown life preservers from those that really matter. Whether it be your best friend rescheduling an entire day just to walk through the day with you ( I heart your face Megstang I would be lost without you) or your husband making you laugh until you cry (more on this in a minute, let me get out the mushy stuff first). If nothing else just remember to breathe because despite the feeling that your lungs will explode there really is someone there holding your head above water.

Okay onwards and upwards, I have been blessed with a husband that makes me laugh uncontrollably. I mean the ugly snort, guffaw, tears running down your face kind of laugh. And the best part......he's not trying to be funny, which just makes me laugh harder.
Well we are discussing the whole chain of events that has happened in literally in very short period of time. I am struggling not only with grief but also with some big decisions. We live in Montana. I just flew by myself to attend my grandfather's funeral in Minnesota. Very hard is an inadequate description. My family is my life but we could not afford to fly all five of us and the weather was not going to allow us to drive. So I had to go without them. Now I am faced with a second funeral in California. What do I do? Do I fly alone again? Do I just not go? Back and forth I went..... So my dear sweet husband in all his hillbilly glory says" Well can't you just do flowers or whatever and go down to the river and throw some dirt in." Now let me explain he was not trying to be offensive this is just how he would honor someone important to him. I start laughing because he just doesn't understand that my Grandmother was a Catholic that came from a wealthy East Coast aristocrat family. I explain to him that there will be three days of Rosary, viewing, services and gatherings. He says "Oh hell no, when I die I want you to drink beer and just take me out to a field and burn me." Hahahah, bless his great big red neck heart! I seriously couldn't stop laughing for a half hour straight. Just what I needed. I feel asleep with a smile on my face and finally got some much needed rest.

The next morning the answer came to me in flash of clarity (think ray of sunshine bursting through the windshield and choir singing) in the Goodwill parking lot. I will just pack up our little rag tag tribe and drive out west ( cue homesteader music with Tater on the banjo). So off we go to sights unseen and territory not yet traveled in our trusty mini van lovingly dubbed the USS Enterprise. 

My challenge to you this Valentine's Day...honor those you love whether you go throw dirt in the river, have an elaborate party, or just say I Love You. It doesn't matter how you do it; just that you do.


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